Shwing of the Month – January 2015: Keira Knightley

The New Year is a time for quiet, self-reflection.  Most people, during this time, ask themselves introspective questions as part of their never-ending quest to grow as humans.  Could I be a better person?  Could I be a healthier person?  Could I travel more this year?

But not me…  The only questions that I have this New Year are who the hell knocked up Keira Knightley and will pregnancy make her boobs look like they did in those Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

Remember these things?

keira boobs

That’s just who I am, and Keira Knightley is making it hard to for dudes to ignore her these days.  She just released her own nude photos to help protest… what was it again?  Oh, who cares?

Keira Knightley SFW

And now, she’s starring in what looks to be one of the better movies of 2015, the Imitation Game.

keira ig

In a recent interview with an Australian daily, she said that people have a hard time distinguishing her from Anne Hathaway and Natalie Portman.

hot chicks

So, um, that’s a nice problem to have.

And now, she even has her own DudeEssentials haiku!

Oh Keira Knightley,

Your accent is fantastic.

Oh Keira, sha-wing.

Keira Knightley

Dude’s Weekday Update – December 11, 2014

Like SNL’s Weekend Update, but you don’t have to wait so long. Here’s today’s news:

This November, former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton had a social media battle as to who is the more hip President. Bill Clinton called out George Bush for not having a Twitter account, while George Bush reciprocated by calling out Bill Clinton for not having an Instagram account.

Georgie and Billy

After it was announced this week that Instagram had surpassed Twitter with more than 300 million active users, George Bush posted this photo onto Instagram as the victor:

George Insta Response

After a fan snapped this picture of Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss at a concert reportedly making out, rumors began to swirl that the two had begun dating.

TSwifty

In a related story, after the media snapped this picture of Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss on stage during Tuesday night’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show, millions of teenagers’ right hands began dating the both of them as well.

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This week a Seattle area teacher was forced to resign after 18 years of service amongst allegations that he provided an 18-year-old, female student with marijuana during what is described as an “out-of-school” meeting.

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In response, the teacher said, “If you don’t like where that anniversary was headed, I’m sure as hell glad that you didn’t find out about my 12th year anniversary gift to myself!”

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On Wednesday it was announced that author J.K. Rowling will share 12 new Harry Potter stories leading up to Christmas.

hp

Spoiler alert! The title of the first short-story is reportedly “Harry Potter and the Slowly Sagging Balls”.

sadpotter

This Monday, Prince William and Kate Middleton took time out of their busy U.S. tour schedule to take in a Cleveland Cavaliers game. Honored by their visit, LeBron James seized the opportunity to snap a photo with the royal pair. Media, however, slammed LeBron for breaking royal protocol by putting his arm around the Duchess.

Royals US Visit

Thankfully, when I had my own chance to meet Ms. Middleton, I followed the proper royal protocol as exhibited here by Prince Harry.

proper

And finally, this week the A&E channel greenlit a new show in which a former cop turned pastor is given 8 minutes with a prostitute to try to convince them to give up their lives of sin.

8minutes

I assume that this is the photo they chose to use for the promo since the other 7 minutes and 59 seconds are probably spent having sex with a prostitute.

6 Hottest Instagram Accounts Right Now

If you’re still hating on Instagram, but don’t have an account, it’s time to wake up.

Before I set up my own account, I assumed that Instagram was created solely for chicks who like taking selfies.  But then I had a duh moment: it can also be for dudes that like checking out chicks who like taking selfies!

Photobomb2

I’m generally hesitant to wade any deeper into the waters of social media, especially since Facebook has always seemed to meet my social-while-being-anti-social needs just fine.  But what I’ve come to find is that Instagram offers a visual experience and platform for artists that Facebook just cannot.

Photographers, online magazines, and entrepreneurs are flocking to Instagram much the same way that local bands still use MySpace, salmon flock to Capestrano, and douchebaggy 30 year olds still regularly go to their former college bar pick-up spot.

After realizing how much more there is to Instagram than chick selfies, I’m following some of the sickest travel photographers I’ve ever seen.  I’m getting advice from 30 different personal trainers on how to eat and lift like a bodybuilder.  I’m getting motivation to keep branding Dude from Dan Bilzerian (whether you do or don’t know who he is, I highly recommend he be the first account you follow on Instagram).

But if you’re not on the bandwagon yet, I know you’re skeptical.  So, I’ll let some of the ladies of Instagram show you why you need to sack-up and join already.

This is Ana Cheri.  She’s on Instagram @anacheri:

anacheri

And contrary to popular opinion, this is not Jennifer Lopez.  This is Jessica Burciaga, @jessicaburciaga.

jessicaburciaga

If they haven’t convinced you yet, how about Libby Powell, @lib__xx?

lib__xx

Need convincing in Australian?  G’day Natasha Oakley, @tashoakley.

tashoakley

And if all of them didn’t convince you, then I’ll put my money on Bryana Holly, @bhollyb.

bhollyb

And then there’s the hottest IG account out there, my fiance’s.  But you don’t get to see that.  Get your own hot fiance damnit.

Dying Like a Man

I’m 30 now.  It seems as though every five years or so, I’m reminded of my own mortality.  Everyone gets older, everyone dies.  The one thing that can be sure, I am going out the way I lived, as Dude.

So for everyone who reads this, I demand that you help ensure the following occurs upon my death.

First, I will follow in the footsteps of Aaron Joseph Purmort, the Minneapolis-area man who waited until his obituary to reveal his true identity: Spider-Man!

Spider-Man

Sadly, you’ll have to continue to wait until my obituary for my own true identity.  Early hint, it rhymes with the Bulk.

And yes, this really happened.  You can read more about it here.

Second, I will host the dopest party the west coast has ever seen, a la Weekend at Bernies.

Weekend-at-Bernies

My two best friends will be required to carry me around, prop me up on the couch, lean me against the wall, and cover my entire body in Axe body spray to make sure no one yet knows I’m dead.

Third, my casket will be an exact replica of this:

Casket

And finally, when I am forced under that cold, frozen tundra, my tombstone will be the most epic tombstone of all time.  Forever reminding all who visit the holy ground why Dude was Dude.

Gravestone

Shwing of the Month – December 2014: Rachel Melvin

There’s something special about a girl that can make you laugh.  So when a girl can make you laugh hard enough to pee your pants, there must be something very special about her indeed.

Enter Rachel Melvin:

Shwing - RM

Shaaaaa-wing.

Rachel’s been around for a while.  IMDB lists her as first appearing in 2004, but she’s finally had her movie-star breakout role starring as Penny in Dumb and Dumber To.  She was apparently pretty big on the daytime TV series Days of Our Lives, but let’s be honest, that role probably wasn’t winning her any fans under the age of 72.

Although she’s not yet scheduled for any other up and coming blockbusters, that’s sure to change with a mug like this:

RM1

To get you through the void left between Dumb and Dumber To and that glorious future, here’s some pictures I found on the internet.  Enjoy!

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RM3

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Thanks Google!